pressure? no?

So, we survived our first meeting with Fr. Gordy.

I'm so used to seeing him in his church robes that I completely walked past him sitting in the office shooting the breeze in an aloha shirt and baseball cap.

A short list of things accomplished: basic intros and some paperwork; the dispensation we need because S. is not Catholic; short individual interviews (he actually sent each of us out of the room as he spoke to the other - and this was the scariest part). We also nailed down the time of our ceremony (HURRAY!!!!!) so now we can print INVITATIONS!!!! I was kind of stressing out about that - but then my Peahen's wedding is in October and she hasn't sent hers out yet, so.

(I know. That's got nothing to do with me, but still, I take a strange comfort in other people's procrastination.)

I had to fill out a questionnaire that asked in a couple of places if I was being coerced into marriage or doing it for some unsavory benefit (green card, swanky house, etc.), which of course I denied.

"So, you're in this for you, not because you're being pressured, right?"

"Yep," I said.

"Good," Fr. Gordy replied. "By the way, how old are you?"

"Just turned 30."

"Yeah, it's about time you got married."

(He totally said this, and he was totally serious. LOVE IT.)

We also touched on (merely brushed, actually) the whole sticky kids subject. Being a Catholic priest, of course he needs to say that having kids is one of the major reasons Catholics get married (at least they've come out of the dark ages and stopped saying it is the reason). I had to check off something that basically said yes, I acknowledged this. But when he orally reviewed my responses, he said mildly, "So, you're open to having kids?"

"We've talked about it," I said. (I didn't say: "If I am seriously considering having kids, shouldn't he, to be fair, seriously consider not having them?") And he let it go at that, which was great. Also, when he brought up raising our future kids Catholic and I breezily said "yes," he looked so taken aback at the ease of my answer that I wondered if I should have given him a harder time, maybe lay down some terms and conditions. It was almost as if he was used to couples putting up more of a fight.

Over dinner, S said that he would told Fr. Gordy (had the question been directed to him) that he would let the kids decide.

Um. (And we did talk about these things, so it's not like I'm venting feelings that S does not know I have.) I don't agree with that. I don't think you can force religion on an adult, but I do think it's a parent's responsibility to bring their children up in and teach them about the faith they hold. Once they are old enough to decide for themselves what they want to do, then they can make decisions that we should support (provided they don't want to join a cult or become Satan worshippers, as I could really not get behind that.) Most Catholics are confirmed at about 14 - 16 but this age range is mostly due to pressure from parents. I think our kids should be baptized into the Catholic church but should make the confirmation decision on their own, which is really what the sacrament is intended to be - an acknowledgement that your parents chose your Catholic faith when you were too young to choose anything, and the embracing of the faith as your own, now that you are an adult.

But kids are light years (or at least years) away, so I'm not going to get all worked up about this now. That's what this weekend is for! :) This weekend is ... well, I don't want to say shot, because I really am looking forward to it. Engaged Encounter. The only person who doesn't snicker when I talk about this is my matron of honor, who herself went through it four years ago. She reports that she and her (non-Catholic) now-husband just loved it. I hope we do, too.

And that's my monthly update. Now that the ball is really rolling, though, they might become more frequent ...

the have (dones) and have not (dones)

Venues - check. The church and hotel are rock-solid. Attire is 2/3 done. Hair and makeup, check. Photo and video, good to go. We're 80 percent sure of our favors, but still need to think about centerpieces. S. has more elaborate preferences for that than I do. I need to attend a Bridal Expo daily, or something, to keep my motivation to plan afloat. Especially after attending the beautiful ceremony and reception that we did tonight. So simple - I think 30 people - on the beach, and then to dinner at the Willows. A long table, tropical flowers, great company, and delicious food. What more could you want? Of course we had to put up with a larger, louder wedding across the way - I was fascinated to learn that Junior Kekuewa Junior is NOT an emphysematic geezer with a termite-eaten ukulele, as he sounds to be with the Wake-Up Crew, but a charismatic emcee and talented musician. Who knew. But speaking of emcees, we have the perfect one in mind - one of S.'s friends - except he hasn't asked her yet. We also haven't tackled music, flowers, or menu. Our "all in good time" attitude is slowly falling away as we start to realize - there is less and less good time available. Eep ...

dressy dress dress

Very simple, definitely re-wearable, long enough for the church (although I hope they don't have a problem with the decolletage), and dress-upable with flowers, necklaces and the right hairdo. The only shade of red it comes in is "lipstick" red, a fire-engine screaming shade that I'd rather not deal with. So, I changed my color to this "violet rose" shade and and I think we are good to go with dresses.

Yay!

Now for the guys. That's gonna be a pain.

It seemed like an update was in order, although nothing much is going on. Actually, I did get that church thing straightened out ("Oh, we thought you were a new couple, sorry") and I did buy some ridiculously cheap invitations that I just love. People keep trying to shush me when I tell them where I bought them from and for how much (Wal*Mart, $20 for a pack of 50 invites, including RSVP cards w/envelopes.) Just like they shush me when I explain that my beautiful orange leather handbag is faux Tod's. ("You don't have to tell!" they exclaim. "Just let people think it's real!" ... Yeah, I guess I could do that. But for this Chinese girl there is more glory in getting an excellent-quality replica for $80 USD than there is in pretending my bag is real.)

Of course the invitations need to be prettied up - little bows or tiny rhinestones, something that will add a little color, a whisper of bling. OH and I saw a teal dress the other day that made me seriously rethink my colors (claret and pink). Too bad teal is not Valentiney. If I gave up my Valentine theme, I might as well have given up my date in favor of getting the first-choice church. (We are not getting married on Valentine's DAY, FYI. I am not narcissistic enough to make 400 people gaze at a 3-tier cake and a slideshow of us on a day they'd rather be gazing into each others' eyes.)

Well, that's about it. I need to go dress shopping for my 'maids, shirt shopping for his dudes, and start buckling down on our menu. The Hilton has some fabulous menus that are seafood-heavy, but reckoning with shellfish allergies is taking all the fun out of those. Looks like almost every dish is going to feature ... chicken.

I really loved Marjorie Williams' essay, "Reader, I Married" in which she explains how she and her husband, Tim, arrived at their wedding choices. For the food, they simply ordered only foods they liked. This is not to say they didn't take elderly guests' shellfish allergies into consideration, just that the non-shellfishy dishes were required to be dishes that the couple enjoyed. Good rule of thumb. I wonder if it's too diva to lay down one rule: NO MUSHROOMS on our menu. Would it not be grand to have the first Chinese meal (of bazillions I'm sure) of our marriage one that I don't have to sift and pick through?

Hm. Thinkies.

what the where?

So, remember when the church messed up but then made good when they gave me the other location? Today I got an e-mail that said, Sorry, but we cannot hold your wedding on your chosen date. It is the weekend of Punahou Carnival.

Am I the only one with the eerie sensation that we are moving backwards through time? Scott and I should just have a backyard wedding, a barbecue reception, and a honeymoon on the North Shore already. Note to those planning on getting married: If you can at all budget for it, hire a coordinator who will deal with this kind of crap so you don't have to.

my most productive wedding planning day yet!

<-- Wedding planning makes us sleepy.

Woke up one morning after getting back from Cali and thought to myself, I really should have my dress picked out and ordered by now. I sort of had it picked out - as in, I had gone in to about seven bridal shops, fallen in love with every single dress I tried on (around 20 in total), but had been keenest on Princess Brides' large selection of rentable dresses, one very modern Maggie Sottero in particular. I filled out their bridal profile after finding myself in love with "my Maggie."

I wore it, I loved it, I gushed about it and wheedled the proprietor into letting me take a picture of it so that I could show everyone (except Scott) what it looked like. I did have a backup, but only because everyone insisted on it. I figured - I'm pretty low-maint. Even if later on it doesn't seem to be my dream dress, well, I never was a Barbie girl. I'd deal.

So today when I went in to seal the deal with my Maggie, I tried on the backup first, just to get it out of the way. On the rack, it looked hideous (but then, it's my opinion that almost all wedding gowns look hideous on the rack) - too ivory, too much bling, too long a train. But on it went, and when I stepped into the light, it was a completely different story. You totally know where this is going - I tried on the dream dress and of course it looked like a sackcloth, and in the end, I put the down payment on my backup and walked out wondering what I'd been thinking, wanting to wear that other one. I still think it's beautiful, it just can't hold a candle, shape-wise, to the so-called "backup."

Hopefully the situation won't reverse itself when I go into my first fitting - I will not, I hope, look longingly at my Maggie and regret the decision I made. I seriously doubt it, though. I don't know if you're supposed to say this about a wedding gown, but my dress is HOT.

No pics. That's how sure I am!

---

And now for the hairy detail$. My 50 percent down payment is, are you comfortably seated, $635 and change. That is a down payment on a rental. The total cost is just shy (not shy enough for most, I suspect) of the cost of the dress. I had serious second thoughts about putting down this much money for something I would not be able to keep. But then I added up the inclusions: Use of a $400 Swarovsky-embellished veil, shoes, jewelry, tiara, cleaning, all alterations. I will likely use my own jewelry, jury's still out on the headpiece (I think I'm over tiaras), and heaven knows I'd have no problem budgeting for a pair of shoes both wedding-lovely and, ahem, addable to my permanent collection, but the veil and alterations alone sealed the deal for me. Who knew veils were so freakin' expensive? I wanted to be a renegade and not have one but after a vendor at a Bridal Expo placed one on my head "just to see," I have to admit I can see the appeal. (But I will not be wearing it over my face, sorry.)

The $1270 includes all my accessories, plus a free tux rental (so any hopes Scott might have been harboring of not wearing a tux are officially dashed - we are USING all the FREE STUFF we can possibly get out of this deal, and besides, when am I ever again going to see him in one? I've never even seen him in a tie!), plus I will never again have to worry about the dress. Won't have to clean it, preserve it, store it, fret over the fact that no one will ever want it. Well, maybe I will want it, but too bad. I have a closet full of dresses that I love, which will hopefully be enough consolation when it is time to give this one back.

---

In addition to the dressy-dress, we unlocked a lot of Church roadblocks. Bless my mom, who marched down to the church in person to find out what all the hullaballoo was about. (Phone system on the fritz, looks like.) I finally got to speak to one of the Important Coordinators on the phone, and she was really nice, which helps so much when you're doing things like scheduling the million and one appointments we have to schedule. Yipe.

Also started looking into the Hawaii Catholic Engaged Encounter (a requirement for marriage in the Diocese of Honolulu) and realized - I am totally looking forward to this. Scott blanched at hearing we need to spend 44 hours locked down in a private facility to do pretty much nothing but talk to each other - but this weekend encounter is all kinds of perfect for me, as I love talking, learning about him, and reflecting on questions like these.

AND! Started on the invitations (I finally learned how to spell my fiance's middle name!) and, at Scott's urging, started looking around on bestbridalprices.com for prices that won't make us want to slit our wrists (or get married by a justice of the peace with our bridal party in jeans and t-shirts).

Keep ya posted.